Just a Memory Now
by alphinski
Summary: A letter from Stiles to Derek. One-shot. Features Amnesia of sorts as well as angst.


**A/N: **So this just sort of happened and I went with it. My first non-demon!Stiles Sterek fic and of course it had to be angst. It is based off a Supernatural fic called 'A List of Typos Made by God' which I read sometime last year so I cannot remember the exact logistics but for this fic: Stiles and Derek were together but when Stiles returns to college Derek forgets thanks to some Supernatural intervention. When Stiles returns he is devastated but they attempt to restart their relationship. The result is this letter. Warning: Their relationship resembles scrambled eggs.

I sincerely apologize for all 1,689 words of this.

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**'Just a Memory Now'**

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Derek,

First of all, I love you.

I know how much it pains you to hear it. I remember the last time I told you, the way your eyes grew wide and then you got that pinched look on your face as though you felt _guilty. _You kissed me though. You said nothing but you kissed me and you hid your face but I could still feel it. That day, I swore I would never say it to you again. Not till you could finally say it back. I guess promises really _were _made to be broken.

I grew up with guilt Derek. My house was full of it. Whether it was from my Dad whenever he thought I wasn't looking or whether it was my own for every time I messed up and made his life that little bit more painful. I know guilt and I know you.

I'm sorry I put you through that. I guess I just wasn't thinking. I mean, curled up with you on the couch trying to watch the movie while you just stared at me with that 'Stiles I can't believe we're doing this' face_-_ which is _so_ not on because _I know _you're a sucker for the romance- it just felt so much like before that I sort of thought that…never mind. I was wrong wasn't I?

I still love you though. I love the old you, the new you and every other you in between. I know you don't love me like that now but you did. You really did Derek. You used to squeeze me tight at the most random times and tell me over and over again and I used to just bat you away, trying to hide my smile because Scott was around and you know how awkward he gets- God if I could just go back there now and squeeze you right back, tell you exactly how much I loved you too-maybe then everything would have been alright.

I'm sorry. I know you tried. Trust me, I know exactly how hard you tried but it didn't come easy for us the first time around either. It took months for me to just stop flinching every time you reached a hand out. It took _you _months to get used to my constant need to talk. I guess you hated the silence too because in the end you gave in. We used to spend hours together every day while Scott was sneaking off with Allison. You used to glare at the walls and I used to fidget and then one day we started talking. Our first actual conversation and it was about interior design but it was a start.

I know you don't remember any of it but maybe that is a good thing. Yes, I can hear you growling and I know you don't believe me. I can see you pacing while you mutter curses under your breath and all I want is run back so I can scratch you behind the ear like I used to and you can grab my waist and tell me you will eat me up if I ever try to leave. I know you don't believe me but just hear me out!

We have a second chance at this Derek!

Even you have to admit that we are dysfunctional at best. We bicker and we grate on each other's nerves. It's not even a werewolf-human thing. It's a Derek-Stiles thing. Not that I'm complaining I mean I ask myself everyday how I managed to end up with someone like you. I must have been a freaking saint! Hell, maybe I invented curly fries! I don't know but I went with it. _We _went with it. That's what we do Derek, we go with things. Whatever life throws at us, we pick it up and we go with it because in case you haven't noticed there's a _world _outside of Beacon Hills. A world that doesn't revolve around lazy Sundays curled up in your arms, pretending to be engrossed in those horrible daytime television shows when you try to kiss me just to hear you whine. It hit me pretty hard too. We're not the only ones on this crazy stupid planet.

I guess the big guy up in heaven finally found his mistake and maybe this is his version of 'Ctrl + Z' – his own personal Eternal Sunshine machine except he messed up again. He took your memories but he forgot mine. Stupid God and his endless list of typos.

I've never believed in fate or destiny, (then again I didn't believe in werewolves until five years ago) but the message is pretty clear Derek and we've been fools trying to ignore it. I mean, we went with it the first time and when that didn't work out we tried a second time. We've been going all out trying to beat the odds but what the hell are we even fighting for?

_All we do is argue!_

I can't be the only one who's noticed! We always used to fight, even before but it's different now. There is no playful teasing and the banter is almost _dull_. There's only bitterness, regret and yelling because we don't know what else to do. Normal people don't do that Derek! It's just not right or even the tiniest bit healthy. I know I've jumped down your throat a few times for something trivial but your mood swings are insane! One second we're talking about pizza toppings and everything is alright then the next you completely shut down and refuse to tell me why. How the hell am I supposed to fix this when you…you know what? Forget about it. We can't fix this anymore. No amount of superglue can fix the mess our relationship has become.

I'm sorry. I just can't help comparing it to what it was like _before_ you…forgot. Not that it's your fault. It's no one's fault. It just sort of happened. You know what else just sort of happened? That last fight we had. I'm sick of you pretending it didn't and I hate having to leave without trying to work it out but I'm just really tired. I'm tired of arguing for the sake of arguing and I'm tired of watching my tongue in case you storm off again. I guess that's why I let you slip back in under the covers. It was getting cold without you anyway.

I just don't want to leave you like that. I don't want your last memory of us to be the fighting. We were more than just- look here's a picture I found from _before._ I'd like you to keep it but I guess I'll understand if you just want to trash it. Lydia took it on her phone last year when I came back home to visit. We'd spent the entire summer re-making your home – it was actually just an excuse to spend those three months with you. Near the end, just before I had to leave again, we invited the pack over for a barbeque. I don't know how we ended up on the kitchen floor but we did and I think we burnt the meat as well. Scott spent the rest of the week ducking and blushing every time he saw you. Poor kid.

Look after him, Derek. He is still your pack and the others too. You're their alpha- they _need _you. You always asked me why I stare at you when your eyes glow. You think it's because I'm finally remembering that you're not human-that you're a _monster. _No, Derek. That's just me looking back at how much you've grown from the broody werewolf with serial killer tendencies and stalking issues to the leader you've become. You've come a long way and for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. I'm sorry I won't be there by your side to finish the journey but perhaps you'll find someone else. Either way, just remember you have a pack now. You're not alone.

If it's not too much to ask, please pay my Dad a visit. He adores you! Ever since that time you insisted on asking his permission before taking me out, he hasn't stopped talking about you. He's been bugging me lately about why you don't come around anymore and I keep having to lie about your _job _and how it keeps you _busy._ He misses his baseball buddy. It's downright depressing coming home to see him drinking in front of the TV alone. I think he'll take this…this break up almost as bad as you will-that was a _joke_, it was…never mind. He has been wanting to offer you a job at the station for a while now. I think he's just been waiting for the right time. I know you don't need the money and I know I don't have the right to say this anymore but it might be good for you. It might help keep you occupied… it might help you move on.

I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I brought you back into this mess. I should have backed off as soon as you pulled away confused, from that second-first kiss on your doorstep. I should have backed off but I had to try. Maybe we'll meet up again. Maybe we'll be at different places in life and maybe then we'll click. Maybe I'll finally fit into your life as easily as you fit into my heart.

Maybe I'll always love you, I don't know. What I do know is that if I leave you now at least you'll have the chance to move on. You'll have the chance to find a love that doesn't twist you into knots on the inside as you desperately try to make it work. It really shouldn't be this hard, Derek.

We had a good run sour wolf and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I will cherish our memories till the day I die I just wish you could do the same.

Love,

Stiles

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**A/N: **Please tell me what you think or just you know feel free to like glare at me for writing this. The picture that was supposed to go with this -I'm not sure if you've seen it before so I'll add a link to my profile page. Alternatively you could check my Tumblr (alphinski). As for this fic thing hate leaving it here because of feels but I don't know. Depending on the response I may do Derek's reply.


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